One day, my dad handed me a photo of a man. “This man is a good man, I know his mother from back home and he will be your husband & you will be his wife.” I was shocked, confused and scared. I felt like my life was over and that I was now someone’s “property.” The worst part was… I was only 13 years old.
This thing called Life
So much has happened. Just in the past 2 years, I got married, got pregnant, had a baby. Lost my job of 13 years due to Covid-19. I lost my apartment due to not being able to afford my rent. Figured out the logistics and quickly moved out of my hometown. Left Everything and everyone that I knew to move half way through the country and move in with my in laws. I got pregnant again and lost the baby at 9 weeks. Extremely difficult time. I found a job 4 months after moving and trying to juggle it all. I want my own place. It’s been hard, my husband is dealing with his own set of issues that he doesn’t share so sometimes I feel alone. A new wife, a new mom in a new city and pretty much forced to adjust to 3 other adults & their personalities. Dealing with constant criticism and unwanted advice on how to be a mom, how to be a wife. You see, I’m a planner- I tried to plan my life until it fell out of my control. I couldn’t control Covid. Or my job- no matter how valuable I thought I was at my job, it wasn’t enough for them to keep me. I try to be positive and be respectful but sometimes even if they are “loved ones” they need a reminder that they are stepping out of their lane.
How?
How can someone be surrounded by so many yet feel so alone? How can someone feel like they have control but in reality they have none at all? How can someone say they love you but show very little to prove that? How can someone see what’s going on and have the power to change it, but doesn’t do anything at all?
I guess the real question is why? Why allow yourself to feel alone? Why try to control what you can’t. Your emotions and your thoughts and actions is all you can control. Unconditional love? What is it? A bond between a parent and a child. That’s the only type of unconditional love, Because all other types of love, is conditional, you must do this- to get that. Or you must do that to be loved. Stop doing what they want or if they just wake up and decide they don’t love you anymore then BAM! It’s over. But not when it’s your child, that’s different. You give it all to your child. You sacrifice. From the first moment you find out. As a mom, you make adjustments. If you drink, you stop. If you smoke you stop. No heavy lifting, no intense workouts, no sushi or deli meats. Immediately you become a mom from the moment you find out. Cold turkey. That’s love. That’s loving a little being you haven’t even met. Because immediately you are caring for another little being, growing inside of you.
How can others be so insensitive? How can a miscarriage not effect anyone but the mother? Why isn’t it more recognized and given more time to heal? Emotionally, physically but no- no alive baby so life is forced to go back to normal hours later after you get the news. How sad. How can a family member pray that your unborn child isn’t a female? How can those words come out of one’s mouth? How can one be so insensitive during one of the happiest moments of life? Words carry weight and words do matter, especially if it’s coming from someone we are supposed to love.
i know theres several topics of discussion here. but these are my random thoughts that i am trying to gather and share. im new to blogging so please have some patience with me.
Day 1
Day one. Should i start from the beginning of all i can remember or should this be day one of me finally letting go and releasing my thoughts to anyone who wants to read? I think its better to go w option number 2. this has taken me a lot of thought and a lot of emotions are behind these upcoming blogs. when i write, i feel the weight lifting off my shoulders, i feel heard, i feel like i have a purpose. i feel like this is what im meant to do. So here it goes.
Random Thoughts 